Snark Infested Waters ~ Bob Edwards

Bob Edwards



Posted on March 17, 2024 by Bob Edwards

Grumblings were recently overheard in a local bar-not-to-be-named, to the effect that if voters return Mr. Trump to the presidency, the sovereign state of California should — MUST! — Secede From The Union.  Readers will find it hard to believe but the grumbling went something like this:

Never mind that secession didn’t go well for those pro-slavery malcontents who fired on Fort Sumter in 1860.  California, the 5th largest economy on the planet, should not be a party to Trump’s Maga-maniacal agenda to plunge the nation into authoritarianism, replete with jackboots and swastikas.

The thinking (neurologically speaking, one must call it that) seemed to go thusly: If secession were done politely — no gunfire or rude gestures — Maga-maniacs in the bible-belt Midwest and the sanitary-napkin South would be happy to rid themselves of the Left Coast nest of woke/socialist/druggie/ LGBTQ/techie/DEI/commie vipers they see as California.  If so, there’d be no reason for California secessionists to use violence or wear silly grey uniforms with those dorky little caps.

But how to secede politely?  Well, the consensus seemed to be that the governor & state legislature could simply declare: “California Quits,” recall its congressional delegation and begin the paperwork necessary to disentangle from the Union.  That would likely include steps to:

  • Stop sending California’s billions of tax dollars to Washington. Keep that cash to give Californians whatever benefits they now get from the Feds which are now financed by what’s left of California taxes not used to prop up the rest of the country.
  • Post state police at airports and cross-border highways to check incoming travelers for valid California residence. Non-residents & out-of-state commercial vehicles would pay a fat-but-fair entrance (“tourist”) fee to get in, pending a California pay-per-visa system.
  • Appoint an ambassador to Washington to negotiate whatever needed negotiating.
  • Give a free tank of gas to all Mega-maniacs in California who renounce California citizenship and move to live in ‘the Old Country.’
  • (Your idea here)

A sober chap insisted that the remainder of the United States would surely invade California to suppress the secession.  Another countered that invasion would cost billions and disrupt U.S. life & commerce far beyond California; he insisted that behind-the-curtain billionaires who run the U.S. wouldn’t tolerate any nastiness that imperiled their vast investments in California, with which they would still do business post-secession.  Indeed, said he, envisioning the catastrophe that could result from an effort to forcefully subdue California would likely discourage such an effort.

An annoyingly sober fellow asked whether blue(ish) Oregon and Washington might join the new nation of California. “Why not?” said another, “We’d need their input during tariff negotiations on billions of dollars of Asian goods passing eastward through West Coast ports to the Old U.S.”  Smiled another: “And on U.S. goods going the other way!”

At Last Call the consensus was that to be fully and properly seceded, California would have to apply for its own UN membership.  Indeed, the UN would likely insist that the new-Blue mega-economy join up.

Otherwise, the assemblage agreed that California already has everything any new nation would need in the way of government, institutions, technology and infrastructure.  Added one, “And it has its own flag, with a big grizzly bear on it that’ll claw the feathers out of any pesky bald eagle.”

The kaleidoscope of subjects that people entertain while whiling away the night in bars is truly limitless.  Sometimes it’s really (burp!) really craszhy.

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