As if local business and residents didn’t have enough worries, our Valley is now being threatened by an Existential Crisis:
According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), American women are having fewer babies.
Yes, aided by birth control pills and the “a” word, our nation’s ladies are sending the country’s birthrate into decline. With fewer new humans being on-boarded, local tourism, wine sales and housing prices could eventually collapse.
Some readers may be asking: Just who do these women think they are?! Don’t they know that not having babies threatens the future of our species? Armed forces enlistments? Farmers markets? Have they forgotten the Biblical command from God Him-/Her-/Its-/Their-/Themself ??!!
“. . .and God said unto them, be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.” (Genesis 1:28)
Given the continued popularity of sex, reasons for the falling birthrate seem somewhat selfish. Chief among them: Women think they have the same right as men to meaningful, fulfilling lives, packed with options. As a result, they are having fewer – or no – children, so they can have more time to do Man things, like: Attend college; start successful careers and businesses; travel; make serious money; have healthcare; run for president; dress well; buy homes and cars; and never have to breast-feed in public.
Many have also concluded that, given the hassle, the cost of raising a child (about $250,000 through high school and prison) just isn’t worth it. Especially if the only “work” a kid aspires to is podcasting, and what with robots taking the good jobs that pay actual money.
And women still complain that childbirth hurts. They find nothing appealing about the pain and discomfort that accompanies the process, for which AI is no help. The months preceding are no picnic either: Ob gyn visits, diet restrictions, bulging belly and disapproving side-eyes from the boss for being late to work because of another ‘urinary event’ on the bus.
Make no mistake: It won’t be long before this anti-birth thing could have serious economic repercussions:
- With kid populations shrinking, our schools are already closing.
- Valley tourism will decline, resulting in less demand for local wine and full-body tattoos.
- AirBnBs and vacation rentals will sit vacant.
- Housing demand will tank.
- Hundreds of square miles around – home to birds of every description – will be left covered in disgusting trees, flowers, fields and streams. Undeveloped, unpaved and teeming with unlicensed wildlife.
The apocalypse could last generations.
On second thought: Things could just as easily turn around! Remember: after the flash-flood of March 4,160,405,012 BC, Ms. Noah stepped off that Arc with her husband, three sons and their wives. Those women had to re-populate a planet littered with dead bodies. They went into full robes-up overdrive and launched what has become a global swarm of 8 billion people. That horde of humans has overwhelmed cities and homeless encampments, created trash dumps worldwide and oceans full of plastic that Moses couldn’t part.
Hmmm. On third thought: Seeing those environment-destroying results of the Noah ladies’ initiative, maybe we should be grateful that today’s American women are deciding to reverse the tide of humanity that moveth upon the earth. As commanded, these bold women could finally be taking “dominion over every living thing.”
And not a minute too soon.
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