Ever found yourself spouting off something you didn’t mean to say? Forgetting your phone? Waking up in the middle of the night remembering something you had completely forgotten?
Helping people become more aware of unconscious, unwanted behaviors has been my life’s work. As a psychotherapist, I sometimes feel as if I plunge deep with my clients into unknown waters. It’s almost like we have SCUBA gear on our heads, looking around at the bottom of the deepest blue sea. What is down there, what will we discover?
Humans often think we know ourselves, but frequently we have no idea why we do what we do. It can be heavy work, but it’s also inspiring because it helps me keep faith that someday, more people in our world can grow, becoming genuine, real people and leaders.
I’m enthralled when I hear a client say, “I yelled at my wife over a small issue in the kitchen. I have no idea why I did it.” As we dive down – I call it “go down the ladder” one rung at a time – guessing what is down there, it’s like cleaning out the basement, long ignored. There we find dusty surprising experiences, long forgotten, maybe an awful, shame-producing year in high school, or remembering leaving home at 17, escaping a punishing father, rebelling. These early experiences can create the script for our lives.
There it was – the dark side of this past showed up in his marriage. He asks, “I yell at my wife over something minor because inside me is still a kid who is pissed at being put down by his dad? So, how do I stop it?” I say, “Somehow your wife’s need to keep the kitchen organized translates into ‘Ddon’t tell me what to do’…” And so, the first step is made. Sherlock Holmes has found the clue.
It’s lifelong learning. I too am still understanding the stories in my head about people, places and things. Today, I asked someone if they were ignoring me and it turned out they thought I was not being friendly. The narrative in my head was that they probably thought I was not fun enough to talk to. And so, we reconnected. We all create stories to make sense of our lives. Soon, we become comfortable with that new normal.
These days, I often think of the minds that make decisions for us in government; after all, they are people too. If they don’t know why they do things, how can “leaders” negotiate agreements or run our country with so much baggage? I guess we all know the answer.
So, I’ve recently pulled out an old book, published 1986 called “Surplus Powerlessness.” In it, Michael Lerner explores our collective tendency to allow elites to hold power over us. He writes about how their most important goal is to keep us from believing we have a voice and becoming too politically mobilized. “The conviction that we are fundamentally powerless to shape our world in ways that would be more fulfilling is a central element in what keeps us from engaging in the struggle against real powerlessness.”
What can we do? We might journal write and clarify our own destructive behaviors and beliefs. We can make amends and repair our personal damage, be honest with ourselves and others and stay engaged in political reform. Much work is ahead of us. Drastic overhaul of defense spending, electoral college change, taxation of rich, worker’s representation in unions and government, affordable mental health and much more are needed. I just called the White House at: 202.456.1414 – a must-do. I dare you.
Remember, humans with power over us have their finger on the nuclear bomb.
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