Most of the males who come to my psychotherapy practice are horrified by what they see on the world stage. From politics to school shootings, they don’t want to repeat more destructive behaviors, violence, harm, discord or addictions. It’s equally frightening for them to be real and vulnerable in a culture that fuels aggression, passive-aggressive behavior or shutting down.
It’s difficult to describe what it’s like for me to sit with men in my office. They want to grow. I see a swing of the patriarchal pendulum – the way change always occurs, in phases. I’ve lived through the Robert Bly men’s movement days, as well as the Gloria Steinem women’s liberation era. What I witness now is this: a new male rising (excuse the pun).
I predict, if we make it through this current teeth-grinding gridlock in our politics, that we’ll see a lot more mature men. The following stories reveal it better than theory.
One young man, around 30, arrived wanting to learn tools for better communication with his wife. When I asked, at the end of a session, “What was helpful to you?” he said, “I’ve found ways to disagree with my partner. I call them rules for war.”
I laughed, it was such a candid, quick-witted way of describing productive conflict.
Another midlife man was depressed. He discovered a sneaky voice inside, inherited from his father’s words, telling him he was inadequate. The messages in his head were self-critical, sneaking up on him, like a snake wrapping itself around his heels. He named that inner echo, “the monster.” Later, he was able to dispute its voice. In his book, “Learned Optimism,” Martin Seligman calls it, “challenging the negative beliefs.”
An older male arrived in therapy wanting to be rid of “rejection sensitivity,” find intimacy, and actualize his artistic self. On his deathbed, he called to say, “I’ve accomplished all that I ever wanted. I am at peace.” I can’t possibly describe how moved I was. These are courageous men. They are our future.
It’s been unbearably heartbreaking to hear of boys with guns killing kids and teachers in schools, men in masks hurting families, and leaders without morals. Patriarchy is painful. Even higher education is challenged. A recent Harper’s Bazaar piece boldly called it out in a headline: Women Everywhere Are Talking About Cornell. Why Aren’t Men? Wrote Louis Staples in the October 7 issue, “In a situation like this, men saying nothing has the same function as saying ‘boys will be boys.’” We’re all weary and sick from seeing men’s unruly egos.
In contrast, the UK Guardian reports that Chancellor John Healey gave millions to a UK-wide fund to tackle the rise in their “manosphere” influencers. The initiative was headed by Bridget Phillipson, who said, “Day to day misogyny – from sexist slurs and harassment to workplace discrimination – quite simply has no place in modern Britain.”
The good news about our present-day chaos is that it’s like hot, caffeinated coffee for men. They want to leave a new legacy of maturity and morality to their children.
I recommend Gabor Mate’s book, “The Myth of Normal,” Alice Miller’s “Drama of The Gifted Child” or Harville and Helen Hendrix podcasts and YouTube videos. And if counseling is too costly, there are twelve step meetings and men’s groups everywhere, including at the Sonoma Vintage House.
(These are composite stories, confidentiality protected)
Katy Byrne, MA, LMFT is a Psychotherapist in Sonoma.
Be First to Comment