Snark Infested Waters ~ Bob Edwards

Bob Edwards


This is America! What could possibly go wrong?  

Posted on June 17, 2021 by Bob Edwards

One sign our nation is Back on Track is that Covid could be vaccinated into submission in much of the country by the 4th of July. Once-scarce vaccinations are now available everywhere, from bus stops to taco trucks, and Americans 12 years of age & older are getting vaxxed. In deep Red states, the unborn, eggs-in-waiting, and sperm-in-transit could soon be eligible.  

That said, there could yet be another COVID “surge” that kills or immiserates thousands of the Un-jabbed who jammed bars, beaches, and bordellos over the Memorial Day weekend. Not to worry: Many of them were staunch anti-vaxxers, Religiopublicans eager to meet Jesus, and/or Proud Patriots always ready to defy Tyrannical Government. They’ll likely remain happily unvaccinated, and their heirs could be even happier.

But on July 4th, the Fully Vaxx’d should certainly feel entitled to kick back and mark 245 years of unrelenting American Exceptionalism. In Sonoma, that means Fireworks.  

At press time, we understand the annual Fireworks display will happen this year. Our brave Fire & Rescue First Responders, unquestioned experts in All Things Fire, will again oversee Sonoma’s annual aerial bombardment. Which holds the promise of more excitement than anyone wants. 

That’s because we are amidst a Drought so severe that mosquitoes can’t spit, reservoirs are drained, and porta-potty “greywater” is being used to infuse parched vineyards with notes of Charmin and hints of burrito. With the exception of the City Plaza, neighborhood parks, vast Field of Dreams ball fields, and the Sonoma Country Club Golf Course (all apparently exempt from water restrictions by the 2nd Amendment), the entire Valley is drier than dynamite. 

But even with threat of COVID and Wildfire, only wimps – Traitors!? – would cancel Sonoma’s popular bombs-bursting-in-air celebration of the Birth of Our Nation. That would be too much to ask of Real Americans. However, in a nod to the Super Spreader risk posed by hordes of potentially un-vaxx’d, un-masked and in-ebriated tourists, Firefighters have again cancelled Sonoma’s Plaza-packing July 4th Parade.  

To further minimize Covid risk, spectators will again be banned from gathering near the skyrocket launch-site at the State Park. To maximize viewership, however, plans are to send rockets soaring far higher than usual into the night sky. At their explosive apex, the booming Oooh-Ahhhh! patterns of sparkling color could be visible (with binoculars or intense squinting) to socially-distanced spectators throughout the area.    

Nonetheless, some worry that any sort of fiery aerial barrage in this bone-dry year could, with a single sputtering fragment wafted on an errant breeze, incinerate the entire Valley.  

Relax. Remember: First Responders running the show Know Fire. It’s their business.  And part of that business is conducting fire-preventing Controlled Burns. Pearl-clutching residents staring skyward on July 4 with hoses & Go-bags in hand might be reassured by the thought that a Fireworks display is just One. Very. Spectacular. Controlled Burn.  

Besides, Firefighters, as well as the City of Sonoma & State Parks, are probably all heavily insured, right? Right??

But insured or not, on this 4th of July we should all Pause the Panic long enough to confidently raise a glass and remember: This is, after all, America! Given our storied history – our Manifest Destiny – what could possibly go wrong?  





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