We are all collectively going through changing, sometimes churning, times. The environment seems unsure, less stable. Daily we all face the feeling of not knowing. Not knowing if stocks will flop or go sky high. Not knowing if our health will hold our healthcare. And much more. Will our family get along or step on a landmine this Mother’s Day?
It’s an honor to have found my calling after swaying all those early years around what I should do with my life. I stumbled into it, like I do most things, just going to classes out of an interest in the human condition. Each step led me deeper into wonder, how can humans co-exist better, feel fulfilled, why do we fight so much? It’s harder work than it seems. Some days, holding souls in the palm of my own fragile, eerily, equally human heart, makes me quiver.
It’s not that I’m crumbling. I’m able to hold the center while people unpack their confused inner parts. It’s just that we are all rockin’ and rollin’ a bit. I think it’s healing to know that we are all affected by these times. In a gripping book, “The Violence Inside Us,” U.S. Senator from Connecticut Chris Murphy, writes, “Half of the twenty worst mass killings in the country’s history have happened in the past twenty years.” He adds, “Whether or not the fear of mass shooting is justified, it is real.”
So, when clients try to understand their snarky, curmudgeonly, afraid or hurt sides, I understand. We’re all holding onto both sides of a canoe in steep waves in a storm. What we want is safety, serenity, to be seen and cared about. Now, how to create that kind of nation and get along?
Be kind and patient with your imperfect selves. Changing times are challenging and personal change takes time too. Unpacking our negative impulses is a courageous, exciting and tender endeavor. The little kid deep down inside all of us eventually grows up to be some kind of character. Maybe a hard-working guy with four kids, or a depressed workaholic. Maybe a braggart, or a really sweet, passive aggressive one, or a belligerent, bossy person. We form personalities as we try to figure out how to survive.
It’s okay to feel unsettled lately. Whether feeling surrounded by painful politics, or simply personal problems, a rocking boat is challenging. We all crave a culture that’s secure, well-anchored and at peace.
On this Mother’s Day, give mom – or someone you appreciate – an extra flower or huge hug. We can each pass along a ripple of caring now. I have hope for the evolution of our species. I know humans are maturing because I see people learning to connect and build empathy every day. The poet and musician Leonard Cohen infused his literary songs with reflections on conflict, healing and salvation, insights partially honed during five years of retreat in a Zen center. His 1992 song, Anthem, captures the essence of healing with the widely quoted lyrics, “There’s a crack, there’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
People are capable of moving from ancient rage and wounding to reconciliation. Our tendencies to judge and destroy come from buried beliefs or needs, passed down for centuries. We can do this. I witness every day an unfolding from hate to compassion. I see, dare I say, love.
Katy Byrne, LMFT, MA, is a Sonoma Psychotherapist and author of, “From Conflict to Communication (Lessons from Life and My Therapy Office.)”
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