Such A Lovely Planet, So Little Time
I look at myself in the mirror and ask, “Exactly when did I become this old woman?”
I try on a dress I like and realize I really can’t wear this anymore.
Thoughts go through my agnostic brain before I go to sleep some nights. I have never believed in any higher being, religion or explanation of why we are, or why anything is here. Even as a small child I would sit in church during mass thinking, “Why am I here? I don’t care about any of this gibberish.” Mom would push me into the confessional, and I would make stuff up that sounded like some good sins.
Before sleep it often goes through my mind that death is like being put under before surgery, except you are gone, you never wake up, you simply cease to exist. In all of this, what saddens me most is that ceasing to exist means I will not be here on this beautiful earth. The things in my over-scheduled, over-politically involved life I could care less about. It is earth itself, its sky, animals, insects, plants, my dearest and beloved family and friends, that I care about and live for.
A dear friend, close to my age, recently had a stroke and is recovering. The other night when we were at the theater watching a movie, the movie stopped and the lights went on. A woman a bit older than me had passed out. Employees asked if there was a doctor or nurse in the theater. Someone came to help her and assured 911 was called. In that moment everything seemed in slow motion before the EMTs arrived. The person helping her said she had a pulse and kept monitoring her and then spoke with her when her eyes opened. These are not the only moments, just the most recent ones that make me think about death and nonexistence.
I watch as people are dazzled by the things they must have and are consistently unhappy they cannot have them: a new car every few years, a house two or three times the size they need, luxury vacations, everything new, every few years.
Tonight while having dinner at one of my favorite restaurants I heard, “There is nothing here that looks that appealing – should we just leave?” The words were spoken by a very young woman to her friends, while we were eating a creative, tasty, beautifully prepared dinner. Is it just old age that makes me appreciate and savor each thing that brings me a bit of joy? What was I like at her age? I was unaware of how short our lives are, unaware that time would feel like it is accelerating faster and faster as each year passed. Things that were important to me at 25 feel meaningless at 75.
We live in a time where our great leader is spending our resources on building gold plated ballrooms and arches, on putting money into mining coal, while stopping the building of all offshore wind energy production. He and everyone else in charge are blowing up countries and killing tens of thousands of people.
When I think of the time I have left on our earth, this cuts deeper when I realize the sky, animals, insects, plants, our beautiful earth that I do not want to leave, are of no importance to those who control almost everything.
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