Triggers, the spooky new name, the current label for heated, overwhelming emotions. What happens when you pull the trigger? Our language is getting scary. Flare ups can occur over small or large things. A friend might seem bossy, then we build stories in our heads about why, making us irate, red-faced, reminding us of a past, a punitive teacher, societal or personal mistreatment. Even in this idyllic town of Sonoma, full of friendliness, we have insults and shunning.
The reasons for sudden erupting feelings are far-ranging, from echoing former unfair sibling rivalry, to aging grouchiness, or injustice within institutions. Beliefs, fears or prejudices can be stored in us and in multi-generational attitudes. The “apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and so we repeat what we’ve learned, or we rebel against it. In the end, erupting emotions are like lava under the earth, awaiting a volcano.
In Raised to Rage, Milburn and Conrad explain the terrain. “The glorification of toughness,” they write, “is typical of individuals who hold the views and display the traits of authoritarianism.” They elaborate, “parental discipline may produce negative emotions in some individuals and teach them lessons about the misuse of power.” So, how do we establish a different playing field? What about espousing civility, respectful debate and morality?
First, let’s acknowledge the underlying, psychological problem in us all. Fight and flight impulses control us. Nowadays we suggest having “agency” over those impulses. I call it staying centered on a skateboard when you’re speeding downhill. The word “agency” seems a bit odd – who’s coming up with these expressions? We don’t need another institution; how about we all achieve maturity?
We know the present terrain, a world with political and social unrest, widespread harm and abuse. So, to re-wire humanity’s reactions, I believe understanding emotions is imperative for our co-existence. Unpacking the past is not to necessarily blame anyone, it’s just a bit like having a puzzle thrown on the rug and, piece by piece, putting it back together. And then, one day, you see the entire picture. It resembles figuring out a diagnosis when you have physical problems; once that is clear, then you can move to repair.
Sometimes my clients are jarred or awed to see unconscious correlations from their pasts. For instance, there was the woman who was irritable and crabby, easily “boiling over” in relationships. She noticed her edginess, especially when her face got hot and tight, mouth puckered, jaw sticking out, fists tight, ready to fight. She didn’t like being so brittle and how it alienated her. To create a palpable picture, I would say to her sometimes, “Yeah, it’s hard to get close to a porcupine.” One day she saw how she had copied her Dad’s penalizing, ballistic personality. (These are composite stories, confidentiality protected.)
Anger is easy to access in this age of poisonous politics. But, without community cohesion, we are weakened by our broken places and our spats, a frayed fabric. There is a tradition in AA that helps to sustain the group worldwide, expressed in the sayings, “Our common welfare must come first…progress depends on unity,” and “principles not personalities.”
You can create dignity and connection with a gesture, a thank you, prefacing argument with, “I’d like to respectfully disagree,” or a tap on the shoulder or a thumbs up. We can propel the evolution of our species through conversations that include different points of view, book recommendations or podcast suggestions, writing or talking to each other more often, even briefly.
All I am saying is, as President Kennedy declared in his 1963 Peace Speech at American University, “We do not want a war…This generation of Americans has already had enough – more than enough – of war and hate and oppression…. Confident and unafraid, we labor on – not toward a strategy of annihilation but toward a strategy of peace.”
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