Snark Infested Waters ~ Bob Edwards

Bob Edwards


So you think you’re a real American

Posted on August 1, 2018 by Bob Edwards

Between breathless announcements of even more winery openings, readers may have missed all the brouhaha in the news about immigration, borders, “illegals,” and people climbing over walls and on the Statue (not ‘Statute’) of Liberty.  

Even those paying attention could be forgiven for thinking that tens of millions of people are eager to travel thousands of miles for weeks through Mexico locked in hot trucks with like-minded stowaways, sneak across the border, walk through the blazing desert full of rattlers and nut-bag militias to steal high-paying lettuce-picking jobs from Real Americans and become citizens. Like Melania.

Well, becoming a U.S. citizen is no walk in the desert.  Assuming they can also wade through the deep legal guacamole of U.S. Immigration Law and eventually qualify for Legal Permanent Residence (a ‘green card’) — and get their kids back from Homeland Security — asylum-seekers have to live here for at least five law-abiding years before they can even apply to become citizens.   

And as if all they’ve been through isn’t enough to prove they would be loyal citizens willing to work hard and ‘play by the rules,’ they have to take a dumb Test.

Citizenship means they could vote, but most Americans don’t do that anyway, so why don’t they just hang on to that green card and renew it as required?

They could do that, and take the chance that the law won’t change or that they won’t compile a rap sheet or experience other ‘technicalities’ that could get them deported.  But once they lawfully become a U.S. citizen, an immigrant can’t be tossed out. They become Real Americans. Like Melania.

To pass the Citizenship Test, would-be Americans have to correctly answer (in English) six out of 10 questions, selected by examiners from 100 possible questions.  Applicants don’t know which ten questions will be asked so they have to study them all.

Here’s a sampler:

 ~  What does the Constitution do?

~  How many amendments does the Constitution have?

~ What is “the rule of law?”

~ Who does a U.S. Senator represent?

~ What does the President’s cabinet do?

~ There are four amendments to the Constitution about who can vote.  Describe one of them.

~ What did Susan B. Anthony do?

~  The Federalist papers supported the passage of the U. S. Constitution. Name one of the writers.

~ Who is the Chief Justice of the United States now?

~ Who was president during World War I?

~ Under the Constitution, some powers belong to the states.  What is one power of the states?

~ What territory did the United States buy from France in 1803?

Of course, Real Americans already know the answers, right? No??  Hmmm. Maybe I.C.E. should check everyone’s papers.  

Just kidding.  Everyone born here can be dumb-as-a-post; murderers and rapists can’t be deported.

But just for fun, kick back, pour a glass and see how you’d do on The Test if you had to take it.  If you’re a little rusty, the Feds provide study help at:   

Of course, Real American families have a test-taking advantage over desert-crossing asylum-seekers dying (sometimes literally) to become U.S. citizens:  The Border Patrol won’t take their kids, who bring all the answers home from school because passing the complete citizenship test is a high school graduation requirement.

Just kidding; it isn’t.  But take the test anyway – just for fun. Melania passed and so can you.


One thought on “So you think you’re a real American

  1. Most citizens could not answer most of these questions. It explains how voters elected someone who thinks you need to show ID when buying groceries. I say make the president pass the test.

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