Become a Brain Surgeon or Drink Less Wine?
It’s not too early to point out that this year will be over any minute now, and it’s time to start putting together that list of New Year’s Resolutions for 2026.
What?? Now?
Yes, because the final weeks of 2025 are crammed with Thanksgiving dinner preparation and Christmas shopping, leaving little time to plan for the endless task of scrubbing our lives of disgusting, frivolous, time-wasting, unhealthy, vapid, unproductive habits and drug-immune personality disorders which – since puberty – have prevented us from becoming richer/thinner/happier/talented/smarter/popular/better looking and better shoppers.
As we become more adult-y, New Year’s Resolutions get more serious. No longer a frivolous adolescent exercise, they become our Annual Performance Review, a time to assess what – exactly – we are doing with our limited time on the earth, a time which could end in 20 or 30 years or by the end of this sentence.
Besides, who doesn’t want – need? – to be better, to do better, at Living? Life is, after all, an extremely difficult job no one ever asked for, foisted on us by selfish parents in their heated pursuit of an orgasm.
Making New Year’s Resolutions is best preceded by reviewing our performance on last year’s Resolutions. How did we do? Were they the right resolutions? Meaningful? Or were they silly (e.g., drink less wine), impossible (e.g., climb Mt. Everest) or delusional (e.g., drink less wine)?
To our unachieved resolutions from the year now ending we must add and address new “issues” that didn’t exist when we were Resolving last year. E.g., an unexpected job loss, leaky roof, fifteen new pounds, etc.. We might also consider Resolutions to help us reach longer-range Life Goals. E.g., “Pass biology class this year” so we can “Become brain surgeon” in 10 years.
A seldom consulted source of resolution ideas are our friends, family and enemies. Text them and ask: “What should I Resolve to do/not do in order to be A Better Person in the New Year?” Add a teaser: “And how can I make your life better next year?”(wink-wink)
Better yet: Host a New Year’s Resolution Party. Yes! Invite family, friends and enemies over for wine. When the mellow sets in, ask everyone to suggest Resolutions for each other. Invite everyone’s input on each suggestion offered for everyone else. Strive for specificity. E.g., “Drink less in New Year” — How much less?
Of course, there would be no obligation for the assembled Resolutionaries to accept any resolutions proposed, to swear on bibles, or make cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die commitments to do/stop/start anything.
Simply listen, knowing that each suggestion is only offered to help the attendees become better, happier, etc. people next year. [And perhaps to subtly tell “some people” what insufferable S.O.B.’s they’ve been all year.]
The gathering would expand each attendee’s horizon for personal improvement and achievement in the coming year. After all, who knows our flaws and “needs for improvement” better than our best friends, family and enemies?
Of course, all ideas mentioned would remain purely advisory – suggestions, not mandates. No obligation to accept, pursue or accomplish anything proposed by anyone else. If you do not want to ‘stop picking your nose,’ ‘lose 50 pounds,’ ‘read more,’ ‘quit MAGA,’ etc., you’ would not have to. Follow-through not required.
All just a harmless collection of Wishes to become better, happier people in the New Year. Just like every Resolution since that Very First Resolution for the Very First New Year, when Adam solemnly promised Eve – Resolved! – that he’d use a condom.
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